Showtime!
by The Flaming Dragonfly
Summary: Daniel drinks something he shouldn't. The results are rather embarrassing. It's a real problem being so darn cute.
1. Chapter 1

Showtime!

By The Flaming Dragonfly

_Warning! This story contains bad innuendo and adult themes. While nothing is explicit, it is certainly of questionable taste, so read at your own risk._

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If Daniel hadn't been so absorbed in the ancient writings he would have been aware of the slowly encroaching danger. He would have seen the careful movements of the crowd and could perhaps have escaped.

But the texts proved so engrossing, so fascinating in their descriptions of gods and misfortunes, that when Daniel finally realized he was surrounded it was too late.

Girls. Young and quite numerous. They had moved in for the kill, and Daniel was powerless to escape. He smiled nervously.

"Uh, hello."

A chorus of giggles lilted from the group. One girl, quite tall and very blond, stepped forward.

"Dr. Jackson?"

"Er, yes." Daniel backed up a step. "I was just studying these texts, and…"

"We know," Tall Blond responded. "We've been watching you."

Almost desperate, Daniel scanned the room for the rest of his team, but they had apparently left. Only the girls remained.

"Um, I really should be joining my team," Daniel said, gesturing toward what he hoped was the closest exit.

Tall Blond effectively blocked his path. "Don't be in such a hurry. You've been working for such a long time. We thought maybe you were thirsty."

Daniel eyed her. "Um, well, yes. I haven't had anything to drink since the midday meal."

Tall Blond took a jug and poured a generous cup. "Try this. I promise you'll like it."

Daniel hesitated. "Water?"

Several girls laughed. "It's called juja," Tall Blond replied.

"Juja." Daniel took the cup and sniffed its contents. "Smells good."

"It is good," Tall Blond affirmed. "Try it."

With a final glance at the circle of girls, Daniel sighed and sipped from the cup.

"Sweet," he commented, licking his upper lip.

Tall Blond laughed. "It's supposed to be. Everyone likes the taste. Drink the rest. There's plenty."

Daniel moved to set the cup on the table. "Why are you so intent on my drinking it?"

Tall Blond slipped to his side. "You're too suspicious. We just want you to be comfortable." She grasped the cup and held it up to Daniel's face. "You wouldn't want to hurt our feelings, would you?"

Daniel sighed as he mumbled, "No, of course not." He took the cup and drained the remainder of the juja. Tall Blond grinned and took the cup from him.

"There you go. Now we're all happy."

"Wonderful." Daniel wiped his mouth. "Okay, fun time's over. I've gotta go."

The girls didn't move, but instead watched him intently. Daniel raised his eyebrows.

"So…what?"

Still nothing. Daniel glanced down to ensure his zipper was up.

It was. The girls still didn't move.

Daniel opened his mouth as though he was about to say something, but instead he pressed himself back into the wall, his expression that of surprise. His eyes widened in shock, and he suddenly shuddered. "Oh" he whispered, his eyes blinking and his hands clenching. "Oh," he said again, acutely aware of the staring girls. "I—I need to go. Now."

The girls' scrutiny grew even more intense, with several beginning to unconsciously lean in toward him. Daniel gasped.

"Excuse me," he squeaked, rushing past the girls toward the doorway. "I need to go." He fled.

------

The evening sounds of Monnora enveloped Daniel as he nearly trotted to the quarters that the SG team was using while on the planet, but he never noticed them. Confusion and embarrassment occupied his senses.

Surely there must be some explanation for what had happened. Grown men didn't have experiences like…that. And even if they did, his experience was different from what it should have been…if he even allowed for the possibility of such an experience happening to him, which he did not. But _something_ had happened, of that much he was certain, and while he couldn't explain it, he sure could remove himself from the supposed source of his problem.

Finding the rooms thankfully empty, Daniel went to his cot and sat dejectedly on the edge. The confusion was being taken over by embarrassment. How could he have reacted to the girls like that? It wasn't like they turned him on. They were just girls; flirtatious, yes, but not to where he'd respond to them.

"I just don't get it," he mumbled.

"Don't get what?"

Daniel swung around to see Jack saunter over. "I didn't hear you come in."

"Obviously." Jack bounced down on his own cot. "So what's up?"

"Nothing. Well, something, but I don't want to talk about it. I mean, it's stupid, really. I can't believe it happened to me, but it did, and obviously I need to face what happened, but I don't know exactly what I need to do."

He glanced at Jack and flushed at the confusion he saw on the other man's face. "It's just not that easy to explain."

"Oh, I don't know." Jack leaned back, his hands on his knees. "With your gift of gab I'm sure you'll find a way."

"I—uh—I may have done something dumb."

Jack raised his eyebrows. "You? Something dumb?"

Daniel pretended to miss the sarcasm. "Yes, I drank something that I probably shouldn't have."

"Oh, horrors. And what did we indulge in?"

"You're not making this any easier, you know."

"I'm not?" Jack's look of innocence only added to Daniel's embarrassment.

"Well, it's just that I'm not exactly sure what it was that I drank, but I think that it might've been some sort of…aphrodisiac…or something. Although I don't believe that true aphrodisiacs exist, but then this is an alien world, and they might have created something that would explain my reaction." Daniel spoke quickly, his last words rushed out in a gush. He once again slipped a glance in the colonel's direction and was once again treated to an expression of amusement. His arms folded automatically as he wondered at the wisdom of confiding in Jack.

Said colonel had leaned against the wall and was now eyeing Daniel with what could be described as an evil grin. "Daniel, you dog! Here we think you're working on translations, only to find out that you've been sampling the local version of Viagra! Can't let you out of our sight for a minute!"

Daniel lurched to his feet. "You know, I really should prepare for our meeting. I think I'll look around a bit before it's time to go."

Jack smacked him on the shoulder as he rushed past. "You _dog_, you!"


	2. Chapter 2

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Pretending to be absorbed in a Monnoran newspaper, Daniel managed to keep his teammates at bay until it was time for them to meet at the town hall. Jack watched him without actually watching him, noticing the younger man's strained expression. Yep, something was definitely up.

"Okay, campers, time to go." He snatched Daniel's newspaper, eliciting a partially concealed expletive.

"Now, now. It's time to go to work, and I don't mean with a book or a newspaper." With a smile he ruffled Daniel's hair and sauntered outside.

The team walked in silence, but just as they entered the building, Jack felt himself suddenly pulled aside as Sam and Teal'c continued on.

"Daniel?"

"Jack, I can't go in there!"

Jack eyed Daniel, taking in the panicky expression. "Why not? Suddenly shy?"

"I—I can't say why, but I just can't!"

"Oh, for cryin' out loud, Daniel, will you just spill it? What's going—" He broke off, watching Daniel with curiosity. The younger man had suddenly bent over, his eyes squeezed shut and his arms folded tightly across himself. "Hey, what's wrong?"

Daniel shuddered, groaned, then slowly straightened. His face was red and his breaths came in pants. "Gimme a minute," he said, his voice a strained whisper. He groaned again and turned to the wall, his body hunched and shaking. "Can't you go on ahead?" he asked, a certain desperation in his words.

"Why?" Jack asked. He stepped closer to Daniel, then touched his shoulder.

"Don't!" Daniel nearly shouted. "Don't touch me! Not now!"

"What's wrong? Daniel?"

"A minute!" Daniel seemed to be trying to merge with the wall as his breathing grew faster. "Please go away!" he whined through gritted teeth.

"Not happening," Jack replied, his concern rapidly transforming into impatience. What on earth was going on with Daniel? And why couldn't he just say what was wrong?

"Ooohhhh…" Daniel's shoulders shook, while one hand slapped the wall. O'Neill folded his arms and waited.

Finally, slowly and only after wiping his face with both hands, Daniel turned back toward Jack. "Why didn't you go away?" he complained.

Jack heaved a sigh of one who is forced to endlessly endure maddening events. "Are we ready to tell what's going on, Daniel?" he asked with pained patience.

Daniel wrapped his arms around himself. "I wish I didn't have to."

"Are you in pain?"

"No, no pain. Definitely not pain." Daniel chuckled, a desperate attempt at levity. "I don't know exactly what's going on with me, but it's very strange."

Jack stood back, studying his young friend. "Well, if you're not in pain, what's wrong?"

Daniel glanced around, ascertaining their isolation. "You've _got_ to promise to keep this to yourself. I mean, you can't tell _anyone_!"

He waited until Jack raised his hands. "Okay! I promise! Just tell me what's going on with you."

"Ever since I drank that drink, that juja or whatever it's called, I've been having some strange symptoms." Daniel ducked his head, avoiding Jack's impatient expression. "Very strange symptoms."

"Such as…?" Jack prompted, waving his hand. There were times that Daniel aggravated the daylights out of him.

"Well…" Daniel fidgeted, working his hands into a knot. "It's definitely…sexual."

Jack fought his grin. "Oh, so that local Viagra worked after all?"

Daniel glared at him. "You're not helping."

"Sorry. So continue. I'm dying to know how this ends. Oh, wait a minute. I know how it ends." He raised one eyebrow. "Or at least I think I know how it ends."

"You are so…" Daniel sighed. "Never mind. What happens is that I have all the sensations of—of a—you know—sex. But I don't have any physical symptoms. It's all in my head."

Jack tried to stifle his laughter, but lost. "Only you. So you're having sex in your head." His gaze unconsciously moved down. "No physical symptoms, huh?"

"No! Stop looking!" Daniel petulantly folded his arms. "So what am I gonna do? I can't control it, and I don't know when it's gonna happen."

"So…what I witnessed a minute ago…was…"

"Just never mind! This is difficult enough as it is. But what am I gonna do? What if it comes during the meeting?"

Jack winced. "Unfortunate choice of words there, Danny Boy. But as far as the meeting, I guess you'll just have to hide it until the meeting's over."

"Hide it! Jack—"

The colonel shrugged. "I don't know what else we can do. You need to be in on the meeting, so just grin and bear it." He started to return to the hall, then stopped long enough to take a final dig at the unfortunate archeologist. "Good thing you're not a screamer."

"Jaaaack!"

------


	3. Chapter 3

_Short but very bad. Read with caution. And Rinne, your second review was not only very naughty, but it also gave me an idea for how to end this story. Much obliged! _

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Daniel was sure that the Monnorans were purposely taking their time with the meeting. He sat across from O'Neill, his eyes downcast and his hands tightly clenched in his lap, willing himself to get through the meeting without succumbing to the wretched drink.

Sam and Teal'c had given him questioning looks when he and Jack had come into the room late, but he had studiously avoided returning the looks. Just get through the meeting without…

The first sensation caused his face to flush. Silently cursing his fortune, Daniel lowered his head even further, desperately trying to think of how to keep his face blank.

The sensation grew. He gritted his teeth, pressing his fingertips into his thighs as though the discomfort would somehow ward off the continuing effects.

He felt sweat develop on his brow and under his arms. Ripples of pleasure began to sweep his torso, faster and more intense, until he felt that he would burst from the pressure of keeping his face unencumbered with the expression of ecstasy.

Meanwhile, the Monnoran leader, his name lost to Daniel, had turned expectantly to him. With a renewed burst of heat coursing through his body, Daniel forced himself to focus on the leader.

"I'm sorry, what was that?" he asked, his voice strained.

"The oldest texts have been brought up from—"

"That's good!" Daniel interrupted.

The Monnoran leader glanced inquiringly at O'Neill before apparently deciding that Dr. Jackson was a bit exuberant. "Anyway, you may examine them at your leisure."

"Wonderful!" Daniel knew his voice was too high, but he was well beyond being able to control the pitch. His hands clenched under the table as he desperately tried to ignore the looks he was receiving from his teammates. Would the meeting never end?

"I want you to know," no-name Monnoran leader continued, "that we are honored and pleased by your presence, and that we wish to extend to you any assistance that may be needed—"

"Yes!" Daniel tried to hold his breath, but the sensations grew stronger. And no-name was still addressing him. The sweet torture grew and grew, until Daniel knew that he was about to completely lose it.

"And so I welcome your knowledge and expertise and invite you to utilize our collection as fully as you desire—"

"Yes! Yes!" Daniel cried. He fell back, the chair stopping him from tumbling, and as he caught his breath he realized that the entire gathering was staring at him, looking confused and somewhat concerned. He dared a look at Jack, who leaned back in his chair with a grin.

"Pretty excited about those texts, huh, Daniel?" the colonel inquired. "We can see your enthusiasm."

Not trusting himself to speak, Daniel glared at him.

"Yessiree, I do enjoy seeing such excitement from my team. Just warms my heart. Of course, you may have overdone it a bit, but—"

"Jack!" he hissed, wishing that looks could kill, or at least maim.

The colonel just continued to grin.


	4. Chapter 4

_Poor Daniel. I'm just ruthless. And it just keeps getting worse…_

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Daniel kept conspicuously quiet for the remainder of the meeting, too aware of the looks he was receiving from the others. He swore he would knock Jack's grin off the minute they retreated into the hall.

Sam ended up saving Jack from Daniel's revenge. As the team filed into the hall, Sam moved quickly to Daniel's side.

"What happened in there?" she asked, touching Daniel's sleeve.

"Nothing. It's nothing."

Sam shook her head. "It sure didn't seem like nothing. Are you going to be all right for the remainder of the mission?"

"Pure thoughts, Daniel," Jack interrupted. "That's the key."

Sam's eyes narrowed. "What are you talking about, Colonel?"

"Private matter. Daniel made me promise not to say anything about it."

"Are you ill, DanielJackson?" Teal'c intoned.

"No, I don't think so. Look, let's just finish up so we can go home, okay?"

Sam and Teal'c seemed reluctant to let the matter drop, but they turned and led the way from the meeting hall. Jack and Daniel followed in silence.

The Monnoran moons shone high overhead as the team headed to their quarters. Daniel lagged behind, not wanting to try to explain what had happened in the meeting and wishing he could just disappear for about a month.

Of course Jack realized that Daniel was falling behind, so he slowed down to walk with the archeologist.

"Some meeting," he began.

"Jack, don't even start."

"You know," Jack continued as though not hearing Daniel's warning, "the worst part is that I feel like I'm watching something that I really shouldn't be watching. Like I'm a peeping Tom. Of course it's hard to miss it when it's being played out right in front of you. Kind of like a public peep show."

"Jack, I'm warning you."

"Maybe you could charge admission. You know, put up a little booth with a curtain in front, and charge by the—"

Daniel stopped. "Stop! Please, Jack! This is difficult enough without your childish preoccupation with my—" He clamped his mouth shut, very aware of Sam and Teal'c's proximity. "Never mind," he mumbled. "Let's just get to our quarters. I'm tired."

They trudged along in silence, lulling Daniel into almost believing that Jack was done for the night. He was premature.

"Looks like I was wrong," Jack finally said.

Daniel knew he would regret asking, but he knew that if he didn't the colonel would find a way to say it anyway. "Wrong about what?"

Jack stopped and gave Daniel a once-over. "Wrong about you not being a screamer."


	5. Chapter 5

_Now Rinne, you're reading too much into my Freudian slip! We get a bit of explanation in this chapter, but of course it's not much help to Daniel. We wouldn't want him to get too complacent, now would we?_

------

Morning arrived much too soon. Daniel had finally fallen asleep, but his dreams had been quite…interesting, and he felt exhausted upon awakening. Stumbling into his clothes, he emerged into the main room. He found his teammates already up and apparently waiting for him.

"What?" he croaked, still not quite awake.

Sam stepped forward. "We've been talking, and we agree that your—situation—needs to be addressed."

Daniel nearly collapsed. "You told them?" he squeaked. "Jack, you _promised_!"

The colonel raised his hands. "Daniel, I had to. After your performance yesterday, I had to tell them what's going on with you."

"I don't believe this!" Daniel began pacing. "Why don't you just post fliers all over the city!" He wheeled and faced O'Neill. "And what do you mean, performance? I can't help it! You make it sound like I'm some kind of pervert!"

"Daniel, I think that you're having a reaction to the juja you drank," Sam explained. "I've contacted Berjin, and he's filled me in on how juja works, or how it's supposed to work."

Daniel sank into a chair. "Wait a minute. Back up. Who's Berjin?"

"The city leader. Remember? He was at the meeting—"

"Right. When did you talk to him?"

"This morning. He was quite concerned about you. I told him about the juja and he explained it to me."

Daniel buried his face in his hands. "This just gets better and better," he moaned.

Sam sat across from Daniel. "You were right about the juja. It is an aphrodisiac, specially developed by the Monnorans. It works in men, creating the sensations of a sexual encounter without any of the physical aspects. The Monnorans use it as a type of birth control, especially among the young people. Years ago, the teenage birth rate was astronomical. Monnoran scientists found that juja would inhibit physical reactions in men while at the same time creating mental sensations that were as good if not better than the real thing. It caught on among the young people, and everyone was happy because it actually prevents men from being able to…impregnate women. Men like it because they still receive the physical sensations…" She paused, peering at Daniel. "You okay, Daniel?"

"Peachy," he grumbled. "So Monnoran men walk around having…experiences all day?"

"Well, no. Your reaction is much more extreme. Most men have one or two mental climaxes immediately after drinking juja. Rarely, the effects will last one or two hours. Your reaction is unheard of."

"Wonderful." Daniel finally looked up. "So what do I do?"

Sam hesitated. "Well, we're not sure. Hopefully the effects will wear off with time. However, there is some concern that the inhibiting effects may linger."

Realization dawned. "You mean I might never be able to—to—"

Sam broke in quickly. "Berjin said that he knew of only one man who permanently lost the ability to…" She faltered.

"Raise his sail?" O'Neill offered.

Sam blushed. Teal'c raised his eyebrow. Daniel groaned.


	6. Chapter 6

_You know, those of you who are actually leaving reviews are treading dangerous ground to be connected with such a bad story as this one. But thank you anyway! _

_We're getting close to the end of Daniel's ordeal. He still has some troubles to go through, though, so read on if you so desire._

------

An early return to the SGC ensued, with Daniel growing more and more sure that his life would be greatly enhanced if he could turn invisible and disappear for about a year. Of course Dr. Fraiser knew the entire story and insisted on an exam that went far beyond the normal post-mission check-up. Every conceivable test was hauled out and administered, along with an inordinate amount of blood being drawn and electrodes attached. But the worst was yet to come.

"Daniel," Dr. Fraiser began, perusing a chart as she spoke, "we have one more test to run."

"Wonderful," Daniel grumbled. "How much more blood do you need?"

Janet hesitated as she looked up from the chart. "We…need to monitor you the next time you experience the juja."

Daniel's hands clenched. "Monitor?" he parroted.

"Yes." Janet once again looked at the chart. "We're going to hook you up to different monitors so that we can see exactly what's happening during an episode."

"But…you know what happens!" Daniel protested.

"Not exactly. I need to see how your brain is reacting, and I want to check your testosterone levels. Things are going on during the episodes that I need to measure."

"But…but you can't…I mean…"

Janet smiled sympathetically. "Daniel, I'm sorry about all this. I really am. But if you ever want to have a…normal…experience, we need to get to the bottom of this."

Daniel groaned, his face covered by his hand. "Monitor away," he said.

------

Out of deference for Daniel's privacy, Janet had situated him in an isolation room. He sat morosely, attached to numerous monitors. He also had a call button that he was to push as soon as he felt an episode coming on.

He looked up expectantly as the door opened, ready to protest that he had not pushed the call button yet and don't be so eager to watch, when Jack walked in.

Sauntered in would be more accurate, and Daniel sighed. "You're not supposed to be in here," he said wearily. "Only Dr. Fraiser and about a dozen nurses."

"I paid one off," Jack deadpanned.

"Ha, ha."

Jack made himself comfortable on the stool. "Cheer up, Daniel. It could be worse."

Daniel's eyebrows rose. "Worse? How?"

"Uh, well, I don't know right off the top of my head, but I'm sure that worse things have happened."

Daniel folded his arms. "I am so not in the mood for this."

"What, my rapier-like wit or your about-to-be-very-public-exhibition?"

"I just want to get this over with."

Jack half rose. "Want some magazines? _Archeology Today_? _Nerd World_? _Playboy_?"

Daniel mumbled some very improper obscenities, causing Jack to recoil in mock horror.

"Daniel, my innocent ears!"

"You're enjoying this way too much!"

"I am not…enjoying it. Enjoyment would imply something that I don't want to be…implied."

"You are too enjoying it! Admit it!"

"Am not!"

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Pervert."

"Daniel, I am not—"

"Yes you are."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am…" Jack paused, then sighed in defeat. "Not."

Daniel rubbed his eyes. "You know, what I just don't get about all this is why it was me that those girls gave the juja to in the first place."

"Don't they use it for making out?"

"Yeah, that's what Sam said."

"So…" Jack gestured. "What don't you get?"

Daniel looked up at him. "What do you mean, what don't I get?"

"What don't you get about them giving you the juja?"

"Because…" Daniel faltered. "Because…they…"

Jack grinned. "They were hoping for a doozy of a make-out session, you dog!"

"No!"

"Oh, yeah!"

"Jack, that can't—"

"Yep, and you wasted it. The perfect opportunity, and you blew it."

"Jack, they were—"

"You just don't realize the effect you have on women."

"They were just girls!"

"And how many? Six? Seven?"

"Jack—"

"So what kind of signals were you sending, Danny Boy? Must've been pretty hot to get the whole bunch after you."

"Jack, I'm gonna ki—" Daniel suddenly squeezed his eyes shut. "Oh, boy."

Jack raised his eyebrows. "What? Show's on?"

"Jaaaack!"

"Fine! Fine, I'm leaving. Don't forget to alert the forces."

Daniel glared at him as he reached for the call button. "Get out."

"Oh, don't worry. I've already seen all I want of this showing." As he spoke, O'Neill backed toward the door. "Yessiree, I _so_ do not want a second viewing. No curtain calls, no encores, no—"

"Jack!"

"Leaving!"


	7. Chapter 7

_Well, we've made it to the end of Daniel's little problem. Oh, wait, I don't think he'd appreciate that comment. Anyway, many, MANY thanks to those of you who have reviewed my questionable contribution to the annals of Stargate fanfiction. I never thought I'd actually post this rather weird story, and I may regret doing so, but it's too late now._

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"I think I've got the solution."

Daniel looked up at Dr. Fraiser with an expression that he hoped bespoke his intense desire to be finished with all references to Monnora, juja, male experiences, and his life of the past few days. "Yes?"

"First of all, your body is definitely reacting to the juja. Actually, it's overreacting. The good news is that you're in no danger. The bad news is that no one is sure how long the effects will last."

"You said you had a solution," Daniel reminded the doctor.

Dr. Fraiser nodded. "The Monnorans have found a reference to a medication that acts as an antidote to juja. Now it's not well known, and it may not work on our slightly different physiology, but it's worth a try." Janet tried a bright smile, but Daniel wasn't relenting.

"Sure. Why not? Do you want to broadcast this to the major networks?"

Janet's smile disappeared. "Well…there is one thing."

Daniel suddenly became alert. "Wait a minute! I was definitely not serious!"

"No, nothing like that!" Janet protested. "It's just…"

"What?"

"Well, after you're given the antidote, you need to…to check to see if…things…are working properly."

"Things…as in…"

"A normal…experience," Janet finished for him, valiantly trying to keep a straight face.

Daniel sighed and dropped his chin to his chest. "I'm being punished, aren't I?"

"You'll have total privacy," the doctor assured him. "No monitoring, no testing. All I need is a yes or no as to…normalcy."

Daniel shook his head. "If I survive this, I swear I will _never_ accept anything from a bunch of teenage girls ever again!"

Dr. Fraiser patted his shoulder. "Poor Daniel. You're just too darn cute for your own good."

------

Jack whistled as he waited for Daniel to emerge from sickbay. Dr. Fraiser had absolutely forbade him entry until Daniel was released, and so the colonel was forced to hover just outside.

The door suddenly opened, and Daniel appeared. His eyes widened upon seeing O'Neill, and he made an attempt to rush past.

"Daniel!" Jack fell into step with Daniel. "All finished, I see."

"Yes I am," Daniel replied thinly.

"So…" Jack tried to prime the pump. "So things are…"

Daniel stopped so quickly Jack had to back up several steps to rejoin him.

"Okay, here's the story, Jack. I'm fine. As in, back to normal. As in, no longer under the control of an alien substance that has completely destroyed my privacy. And yes, I am functioning normally, as I'm sure every inhabitant of this mountain is waiting to hear. But maybe that isn't good enough for you. Maybe you should talk to General Hammond to see about announcing my recovery over the intercom. Would that satisfy your overwhelming curiosity as to my private affairs?"

Jack tried hard to look hurt by Daniel's outburst, but as the fuming archeologist spun and left, he couldn't stop a grin from appearing. "Glad you're better!" he called. "I know how _hard_ this has been for you! Or wait…I guess it wasn't so hard…at least, not until…"

"Jaaaack!"


End file.
